I Hate Hammers

I bought a little fixer-upper one fateful day
Little did I know I'd thrown my life away
I thought that I could handle it, don't ask me why
Guess I always sorta thought I was a handy guy
But now I Hate Hammers, I hate nails
That's the sorry summation of the sad details
Oh, listen to a fellow as he weeps and wails
I Hate Hammers, I hate nails!

I replaced a couple o' tiles in the shower stall
Of course I ended up rebuilding the whole damn wall
And I fixed a leaky skylight, now it's waterproof
Of course I ended up rebuilding the whole damn roof
And now I Hate Hammers, I hate saws
Shakes and shingles and two-by-fours
I've just about had it with the great indoors
I Hate Hammers, I hate saws!

I wouldn't cheer if Bob Vila died
But at the very least he should be vila-fied
Because he makes it look so easy on the damn TV
With his level and his bevel and his PVC
I hate making corners meet
I hate fractions, (and) cubic feet
I pour whiskey, not concrete
I hate making corners meet!

Did I tell you 'bout my sweetie, Miss Susie Brown?
Once we were the hottest thing in town
But remodeling, redecorating, what a trip
Man, it really puts a strain on a relationship
I hate Susie. She hates me
And we haven't any money left for therapy
No one sees it ending very happily
I hate Susie! She hates me!

Last verse...
I changed the fixture in the bathroom sink
And wired up the vanity, and whaddaya think?
Now I can't get nothin' from that silver spout
And when I turn the faucet, all the lights go out
I hate brushes, I hate paint
Rinse another roller? I think I'd faint
Give that trim another coat? No, I ain't!
I hate brushes, I hate paint!

I Hate Hammers, I hate nails
That's the sorry summation of the sad details
Oh, listen to a fellow as he weeps and wails!
I Hate Hammers! I hate nails!