The Drunken Brawl

The Drunken Brawl

Well, I had a little fracas with some boys the other day
They didn’t like my looks or my free and easy way
They wouldn’t let me travel down the sidewalk of my choice
There was a difference of opinion and a raisin’ of the voice
I said, “I am perplexed by what you gentlemen require”
They said, “Give us all your money or we’ll set your hair on fire”
Subtlety did not appear to be their strongest suit
And hopes of confraternity where pitifully minute

Well, losing all me money was repugnant to the soul
And besides, I’m not the kind of guy who does as he is told
The fella in the middle was the biggest one around
So I got him in a headlock and took him to the ground
This action was sufficient to enrage the other fellas
They used me as a dance floor as they did the tarantella
Proficiency in dealing pain was high on their agenda
So they whipped me on the back with an Oldsmobile antenna

This creative bit of savagery was worthy of praise
And I would have done so had I not been otherwise engaged
But I was busy squeezing air from the big fella’s pipes
And he was going Technicolor right before me eyes
As long as I had my arm around the big fella’s scruff
I knew I stood a chance if the going got rough
If they bashed in my skull and my brains started flowin’
I’d be taking one of them with me wherever I was goin’

An acquaintance down the block then came to my aid
Brandishing a golf club he jumped into the fray
He singled out the one with the steel-tipped toes
Wrapped the club around his head until it hit him in the nose
Then he jumped on the other one like a rat in a thrash
Punched him in the stomach and he kicked him in the ****
The two said, “Gee, it’s late, sorry, we gotta run”
It’s a dirty rotten shame cuz we were having so much fun!

It was then that I noticed that the big fella died
We’ll miss him ‘round the neighborhood, a hellava nice guy
I can’t remember a date I enjoyed so much
You can certainly have a good time if you all go Dutch
But now I was stuck with a stiff on my hands
I could explain it to the coppers but they wouldn’t understand
They wouldn’t comprehend the motivations we were havin’
So I stuffed him in the sewer and went back to the tavern

“What’ll you have?” “I’ll have a pint!” “I’ll have a pint with you sir!”
Stuffed him in the sewer and went back to the tavern
Well, I had a little fracas with some boys the other day
They didn’t like my looks or my free and easy way