The Toilet Paper Song

THE TOILET PAPER SONG
(c) 2020 by Heather Pierson


Good hygiene is essential
And it offers the potential
To safeguard one’s health and others’ too
When widespread cooperation
Becomes the new vocation
Then healthy habits see us all through

But desperate times call for desperate measures
And we are called to forgo familiar pleasures
When the stores are all out of bathroom tissue
It can bring up a very touchy issue

What will I use when I poo?
How will I clean up number two?
I could go a different way
And install a new bidet
And do like Europeans do when they doo-doo

How will I clean up my rump
Every time I have to take a dump?
Those who thought only of themselves
Have cleaned out all the shelves
So what’s a dirty-bottomed soul to do?
Oh, what will I use when I poo?

What will I use on the throne?
I might be stuck with wet wipes or pinecones
Though I must be mindful of the septic
Lest my landlord be apoplectic
And I don’t want him shitting in my shoes
Oh, what will I use
When I’m in the loo?
Oh, what will I use when I poo?