9. Leaving
Leaving
I left Richard by long distance. I made the call but I felt used
As if he figured out I’d leave if he was cold to me and he’d be off the hook
And he was right. I took the hit. I didn’t think I had a choice
I could hear his TV in the background shouting some profanity in John Belushi’s voice
While I tried to say something straight and true and strong and real I could believe
And Richard tried and failed to disguise unbearable relief
And Rich, I wish I’d hurt you bad enough to leave a little scar
Little mark to know I touched you somehow, wherever you are
And I wish I might have figured out a way to end it clean
So I could think of you from time to time, and not feel mean
For leaving you
I left Billy in the morning. I was up all night packing
Then I loaded up my truck, came back and wandered through the house, waited for him to waken
‘Course he woke up craving coffee, running water in the kitchen
I was dressed in jeans and boots, a leather jacket and beret. Billy was naked
There was some kind of confrontation, some exchange of stupid words that I forgot
And then I broke away, drove almost to Chicago, pulled over, fell asleep in a Trailways parking lot
And Billy, I wish you could have treated me better
I wish when she came on to you your conscience wouldn’t let her
And I wish I’d left before it got demeaning and unkind
So I might remember you and pretend I still could change my mind
About leaving you
I left Daniel in slow motion. We were traveling out west
A thousand miles from home when I told him it was ending
Then we drove the van in dream time across the Rocky Mountains
The landscape was authentic and convincing, but we were just pretending
A fistfight would have hurt far less than counterfeit kindness, our phony mess
His stagy laugh at nothing funny. His studied supplication. Our righteousness
And Daniel, I wish I hadn’t let you waste my time
I wish I’d blown the lid off the charade and pantomime
And I wish I’d had integrity enough to keep it real
And I wish I wasn’t too polite to act the way I feel
About leaving you