Crabs

Crabs
©2016 William Berry

Years ago I met a girl
A fair, beguiling beauty
She asked me would I stay with her
I humbly did my duty

For days my heart was filled with bliss
I was floating on a breeze
Till I noticed something was amiss
Way down in my dungarees

She gave me the crabs
She gave me the crabs
I didn’t believe
It would happen to me
But I got ‘em bad

She gave me the crabs
Itchy creepy crawly crabs
She didn’t keep her carpet clean
If you know what I mean
And now I got the crabs

They itched so bad I couldn’t cope
I washed and scrubbed with Lava soap
But when I checked again down there
Crabs were crawlin’ everywhere

Went to the drugstore for the cure
They said that it would work for sure
But two days later they were back.
Havin’ a picnic on my sack
And that’s a fact!

She gave me the crabs
She gave me the crabs
They’re the parting gift
From a one night stand
They bite and chew and pinch and grab

She gave me the crabs
Itchy creepy crawly crabs
I tried to burn them with a match
But then another batch would hatch
And I still got the crabs

Well I called my friend Larry
He said that he had been there before
He asked me did I try the Crab removal spray from the store?
I said sure
And you sprayed?
Yes I did
And they stayed?
Yes they did
Well the answer to your problem is Raid
Raid?

For killin’ crabs Raid is the king
Just don’t let it touch your ding-a-ling
Hey, it worked for me
Oh one more thing
It’s gonna sting

Well I took some time to think
Then I looked under the sink
Found some Raid, sat on my bunk
I stripped down and grabbed my junk

I pulled and tugged and pulled some mo’
I stretched ‘em far as they would go
Once my boys were out the way
I gave myself a little spray

Pssst!
Well that’s not so…
OWWWWW!
AHHHH!
WOAAAAAA!

I quickly showered and shampooed
I put an ice pack on my pubes
Pulled up my hairs to check the scene
Lo and behold my loins were clean

To my relief not one had stayed
Raid was like a crab grenade
It did the job with just one blast
Thank God Almighty, free at last!

I don’t have the Crabs
I don’t have the Crabs
But don’t you try this at home
They got safe healing foam
That they make in medical labs

I don’t have the Crabs
Itchy creepy crawly crabs
Now I’m spick and span
So ladies I’m your man
Cause I don’t have the Crabs

I called Larry to tell him thanks
He said, “That’s what friends are for.
Remember, keep away from skanks
And you wont get the crabs any more.”

No crabs no more!