50 Ways to Lose Your Luggage - by Robert Lund

The problem is all the new increased security
That's what the O'Hare baggage service said to me
We think your garment bag's in Stuttgart, Germany
There must be fifty ways to lose your luggage

I said, Again? I must take roomfuls of your files
I sure wish my missing bags received their frequent flyer miles
No doubt they've earned a trip
To the Polynesian Isles
With all your fifty ways to lose your luggage
Fifty ways to lose your luggage

Just stiff the skycap, Jack
Agree to get bumped, Gump
Board in the dark, Mark
Or try to fly free
Pack too much weight, Kate
Or arrive at the gate late!
Just make the crew cross, Ross
And get your bags lost

Ooh, pack too much gel, Mel
Close 'em with locks, Knox
Fly when it's snowy, Chloe
Or board in Group C
There's gonna be snags, Babs
So don't lose your bag tags!
'Cause I've got a feelin', Leland
Your stuff's in New Zealand

Why must it be the most important stuff they lose?
I wish I'd carried on my suit
And checked the pills and booze
I thought, Well I'll tour this place
In just a pair of shoes
Who'll notice anyways?

I streaked through town till some policeman shouted Halt
And I believe he mentioned something 'bout a sexual assault
And then he cuffed me
But you realize it's really not my fault
It's 'cause there's fifty ways to lose your luggage
Fifty ways to lose your luggage

Just pack lots of fruit, Newt
Check in online, Kline
Fly at Chris-miss, Chris
You poor S.O.B.
If connections are tight, Dwight
Or you're bumped to a night flight! -
Have fun in L.A., Ray
Your stuff's in Bombay

Ooh, pack too much liquid, Dickwad
Joke about bombs, Tom
Carry on Mace, Grace
Then lose your I.D.
Bring cans of Raid, Jade
Then run when they're x-rayed!
If your luggage is stinky, Twinkie
It's shot to Hel...sinki