Famous

Famous

I was runnin’ open mic at the Horseshoe Inn
When up walks this skinny teenage kid
He says “I wanna be Famous, do you think you can help me?”
I just chuckled and said “Good luck with that”
But he said “Now wait a minute, I can see by your hat
That you’re a country music singer, and that’s what I wanna be”
So I said “I’m a country singer, that’s true
But I ain’t hardly famous, and if I was do you
Really think I’d be singin’ every night in dives and dancehalls?
Now why don’t you go ask George Strait or Garth
What it takes to be Famous, since they already are?”
Well the kid said he tried, but for some reason they would take his calls!
So I said “Look kid I’m a busy man
But if you’ll buy a pitcher of my favorite brand
I might just have time to sit and talk a bit”
So he pulled out a ten, laid it on the bar
I poured that beer in my Mason jar
Sat right back and told him exactly how it is

If you wanna be Famous, here’s whatcha gotta do
If you wanna make a million, you need to start with two
Or come to think of it, better make that three
Cause it’s a long tough climb to the top of that Nashville tree
(That’s what they tell me, anyway)

So the kid says “What’s this about payin’ my own way?
I thought that the big record companies pay
For promoting the music of emerging artists like me
I told him “At one time that might have been true
But this is 21st Century, and mostly what they do
These days is sue folks, and collect royalties
Well the kid got a kinda glum look in his eye
And I could see he was getting’ sadder by the pint
So I told him that there just might be another way
I said “Get yourself on one a them reality shows
The one where they eat bugs I heard is lookin’ for folks
Or you try out for a talent contest so you don’t have to pay.
Then you parlay that national TV exposure
Into a live appearance on Oprah
Next thing you’re pitchin’ CDs to folks on their sofas and love seats too
But the kid didn’t dig the thought of chewin’ on roaches
Or talent shows with all the no-talent jokes they put on the air
So he just sat there, ponderin’ the truth

If you wanna be Famous, just listen to me
If you wanna make a million, you need to start with three
Or come to think of it, better make that four
Cause it’ll take a lot cash to open up them Nashville doors (that’s right)

Now by this time I thought the kid would be discouraged
But to my surprise he summoned up the courage
To tell me what he’d been thinkin’ bout all along
He says “I got a rich uncle out in West Texas
Owns a buncha oil wells, drives a new Lexus
He might could float me a no-interest loan
I said “That’s good news cause you’ll need a publicist,
Producer, a lawyer, promter, a stylist
And then of course someone to watch where all that cash is flowin’
Here’s some folks you can call who’ll take your money
But they’ll work hard on your stuff and even call you honey
Just tell ‘em I sent ya, and by the way, this pitcher’s empty, sonny!”

If you wanna be Famous, you better not be poor
Cause if you wanna make a million, you need to start with four
Or come to think of it, better make that five
Cause as David Allen Coe once sang, “it’s a long hard ride”

The kid thanked me, and as he left, he looked back
I thought about his rich uncle and said with a laugh
“Hey kid… lemme know if you ever need a good openin’ act”