Biography

Captain WAM grew up in Yelm, Washington. His family raised exceptionally large barnyard animals, including a half-ton pig, turkeys the size of children, a goat that attacked cars, and the worlds most productive dairy cow. He spent most of his childhood playing in the mud.

There was no central heat, TV, microwave, dishwasher, or dryer in the house. Family bonding time was spent organizing recycling. This included pulling the plastic windows off of envelopes, scraping mold out of tin cans, and lugging buckets of stinking food scraps to the chicken coop in the dark. Cloths were dried body-heat style by wearing them straight from the washer. The only shower was outdoors, and shared by the family. Meals consisted of cooked stinging nettles, burnt homemade bread, and every form of dairy product.

His father played with chainsaws, butchered chickens, and dressed as a werewolf for Halloween, simply by inserting some fangs and taking off his cloths. His mother made him wear girls tights to keep warm and packed his lunch in recycled wax paper bags in order to save the environment. She also cut his hair using a grain bucket for alignment since she found bowls were too shallow.

He had several uncles that made his life worse. One built a car out of wood and would randomly pick up Captain WAM from school, only to have the car break down in the parking lot and block the busses from leaving. His other uncle converted the metal drum in which the family dog had died into a grill, and would burn road kill in it for dinner.

His father electrocuted the cow by dropping a tree across the power lines and the family goat became the primary source for dairy products. The consumption of large amounts of goats protein during early puberty spurred rapid growth in Captain WAMs hair follicles. Unable to fit a bucket over his head, his mother abandoned her attempts to tame his mat, and his white afro was born.

He attended high school three grades behind his sister, who was beautiful and popular. She had many friends who came over for slumber parties. Captain WAM had to sleep in a tent so her friends could stay in his room. They spent their time looking through his tights drawer and dubbed him the captain, after Captain America, because he had to wear rubber boots and tights out to the tent.

Today, Captain WAM raps at family picnics and attends Lousir Community College. He is on probation for forgetting to go to class, and has to dress up as the school mascot for recruitment tours and shout, Bite em Bulldogs at potential students.

His best friend is a 12 year-old skateboarder. He is popular with the neighborhood kids because he is particularly horrible at video games

He failed his drivers license test too many times, and has been permanently banned from driving after terrifying the local licensing agency personnel. He owns a skateboard, a pink mountain bike without a seat, and beagle named PorkChop who suffers from seizures.

His sister married a professional football player and Captain WAM lives above their garage. Her husband thinks Captain WAM is a sissy and repeatedly challenges him to cage fighting matches in the dog kennel. His sister wants him to move out, so she chauffeurs him to arranged dates with unsuspecting females.

Captain WAM recently joined the suburban gang Das Pantz and scored a pair of $10 pants at Goodwill. Unfortunately, the gang initiation involves stealing golf balls in the nude, and the pants have permanently stained his skin blue.

Currently he is working on his new album, It Dont Matter if Youre Ugly while to attempting unstain his legs by bathing in a shallow tub of bleach.